Trust yourself. Back yourself. Believe in yourself. You have probably heard these or a version of them before, either from a well-intended friend or an inspirational Instagram quote. The problem is that this phrase, by itself, is not usable or actionable advice. You cannot simply read or hear it and flick an internal switch that makes you confident. From my perspective, this advice needs to be linked to actions (past or future) to be able to be useful.
How do you gain self-confidence?
Confidence is not only about believing in yourself based on positive thinking alone. It is also about linking related skills from past activities to the one at hand, as well as knowing that future tries will likely have better outcomes. There is a subtle but powerful difference between thinking about the present only, versus thinking about the past and the future as ways to build support.
I refer to thinking “I know I can do this” versus “I know I can do this because I have done this other thing which has some similarities I can apply” or “I know I can do this because even if the first try is not as good, this is to be expected and I know I can learn how to do this better”. I personally like doing both, as I find it helps me leverage off my previous strengths while planning an improvement path for the future.
In life, an example can be as simple as baking a cake. You might have not baked anything before, but you can look back and think: “I have used the kitchen before so the oven would be similar, I know how to mix ingredients and I know how to read and perform instructions. If I put together all my previous skills, I am sure I can do something decent”.
You can also look forward and think: “This time I’ll follow the instructions the best I can and see what happens. This will be my baseline, and if I really enjoy the process, I’ll get a book and watch some YouTube tutorials to test how quickly I can get better at it”.
In business, an example can be experiencing rapid growth in your company. You might go from managing a team of 10, to a team of 100 in a few months. This can feel overwhelming and out of the comfort zone, but it can be framed in the same way as the cake example.
You can look back and think: “I have managed my team of 10 for the past year and really learnt a lot about communication, conflict management, goal setting, etc. I will likely need to set up a leadership team who in turn will manage the teams, so in essence my direct reports will be my leadership team of about 10 again and all I have to focus on now is getting to know them better and how to think more strategically moving forward.”
You can also look forward and think: “It will likely take a few months to get used to the new dynamic, the relationships and the expectations. I will use this time to connect with my teams and understand their points of view while I build my support network and look for mentors inside or outside the business who can help me navigate the process.”
Using skills as building blocks to learn other skills
From my experience, confidence is the skill you learn by trying new things and realising you can go through them and learn something regardless of the outcome. Personally, I am confident when I know I can improve if I choose to dedicate the time and effort. The more things you try and learn from, the more ‘related skills’ you will have in your bag for future activities you are yet to try.
If you tried to bake the cake, you will be better positioned to try to bake some muffins, biscuits or macaroons. If you tried to lead the team of 100 you will be better positioned to grow to 500. You built on existing skills to create new skills that later became the building blocks of the next set of skills.
This is fundamentally how we learn to do anything, and why I think having a mindset that seeks and prioritises learning over instant success will give you better chances of success overall in the long run. Dr Carol S. Dweck from Stanford University calls it a growth mindset, and it will be the topic of a future post.
Using skills as a way to create thinking frameworks
Trying builds confidence but it also builds the thinking frameworks required to perform the tasks. As you begin doing the doing, you find yourself needing to think in terms of the choices that would maximise the benefits for that particular situation or undertaking, so the doing forces the thinking. The strategy to improve cannot be created in a vacuum, you need to have tried something to get the required input signals into the feedback loop of improvement.
If we begin our change efforts by thinking about it, the thinking is generally done through the lens of the lived experience we have had so far, which does not include the behaviours we are trying to introduce. London Business School Professor Herminia Ibarra says it best in her book ‘Act as a Leader, Think as a Leader’ when she says that “the paradox of change is that the only way to alter the way we think is by doing the very things our habitual thinking keeps us from doing”. In her view, the only way to change your mindset is by acting differently in the first place.
The obvious next blocker is to begin to act differently, but just because a chameleon shifts colours to perform better in a new environment does not mean it stops being a chameleon. You can still try new things and be yourself. It may feel awkward, but change almost always is.
One way to remove some of that friction is to let others know you are actively trying a new thing and request their feedback. It will help you have a reason as to why you are doing what you are doing, and it will help them have an entry point if they think there is something you could tweak.
Putting it all together
The next time you are faced with a new experience, opportunity or challenge, consider applying the three steps mentioned in this article:
- Frame the situation in terms of its component parts and link those parts to related skills you have developed or similar situations you have already gone through.
- Remember that the process of learning requires that we start somewhere with what we have, and you are starting here with what you have today, so make a plan for the next steps you will take to further improve and act on them.
- Bring others on your learning journey by being open about what you are trying to achieve and how you are trying to improve. You may be surprised about how much people will help you succeed.
What have you been wanting to try and have been putting off because you have not felt confident? How could you frame it using steps one and two by linking it to previous skills and future goals? Who could you bring on your journey to help you stay on the course? You have what it takes, so go give it a try and learn!
What is one action you can implement this week as a result of reading this article? Give it a go and let me know how you go!
